How to treat your significant other

Let me say, I am no relationship expert. Everything I write on is about EXPERIENCE, as I have been told it is the best teacher. I'm young, but wise beyond my years, and I learn VERY quickly. My relationship experiences have taught me ALOT. Especially the guy I am with now (Love you). Our relationship is definitely not perfect, but I know and believe our foundation is solid enough for me to give good and valid advice.

 As young people, our relationships tend to falter because we either don't know what a good relationship consists of because our parents never had it, we're too young to understand our feelings or emotions, or we let minor things come between us and those we love, ie insecurities and past relationships. I get so tired of people getting in potentially great relationships and ruining them because they don't want to TRY. I didn't mention infidelity in this blog, because as important as it is, it doesn't determine a good relationship. I believe someone can be unfaithful and come back in the relationship and make it work. Though it isn't IDEAL, it can and has happened.

So first things first, men and women aren't VERY different from the other. We all demand respect, openness, faithfulness, and honesty. We all have our days where we need our space and our days where we need out significant other to counsel us. which brings me to my first point:

• YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE FRIENDS FIRST, BEST FRIENDS.

You want an open relationship? You have to be OPEN. The person you are with should know your TRUE self if you want it to last. This person should know what makes you laugh, smile, and tick. This means you should be silly together, talk about ANYTHING even stupid subjects, and you should be able to act consistently around them, meaning the same way you act with your homegirls or homeboys, you should act around your significant other. Even if you both don't have much in common, as long as you all are friends, it wont matter. That is why it is so vital to know the person you are getting in a relationship with before you take that step. Because, if you cannot be friends, you cannot have a true relationship.

• RESPECT ONE ANOTHER

This one is hard for us young people, because some of us barely respect ourselves. Arguments are 100% necessary for the growth of a relationship. The key to a HEALTHY relationship, is knowing HOW to argue. Going for the jugular or under the belt is one of the biggest downfalls in a relationship. I fall victim as well, but we must learn to respect each other, even through our anger. That means, no name calling. No matter how large the disagreement, if you want to be with this person afterwards, you should not degrade them or say things to make them hurt because you don't like what they are saying to you. Unless they are disrespecting you, return the respect. Try your best NOT to yell. If you start off talking to each other CALMLY, then the convo should end the same. We get so caught up in our emotions, that we lose control of the situation, thus creating an unnecessary argument that could have just been discussed calmly as adults. The key to this is, when you feel yourself growing angry count, or tell your lover that you need to cool down before continuing the discussion. That does not mean leave the situation and never return to it, because the problem will only fester. It just means you value your relationship enough to talk about the issue later when you are calm. If your partner does not understand it, so be it, but make sure you explain it THOROUGHLY. Also, if your calm and your partner is becoming irate, tell a joke in between to calm their nerves, or stay calm and ask your partner why are they so angry? Also, tell them, calmly, that they are speaking too loudly and it is making you uncomfortable. And by all means NEVER get physical! You will create wounds that will NEVER heal properly, physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

• BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE

Simply put. When you are in a relationship, it isn't JUST about you. You have to take into account your lover's feelings and emotions and be willing to put yours on the back burner when you are wrong. If you are hurting or have hurt your partner, LISTEN to them and meet at a common ground about the problem. Sacrifice something that won't hurt you if it is lost just for the sake and happiness of your relationship. Your partner's happiness should be on the forefront if you want it to last. But NEVER EVER do something that makes you unhappy for the sake of your partner, unless it will benefit you BOTH in the long run. 

• TALK AND BE 100. ABOUT EVERYTHING

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is lie to a person who knows you better than you probably know yourself. THEY WILL FIND OUT! Rather it be next day, next week, next year, or years down the line, a lie will never stay a lie. If your significant other asks you a question, don't lie or tell half a lie. Be strait up. Lying is for COWARDS. If you fear what you are about to say will ruin the relationship, YOU have ALREADY ruined the relationship. Most people fear honesty, but respect it more. This means don't lie about who you know, where you have been, or what you have done, especially if it pertains to your past, before you met your partner. We all have a past, and unfortunately, it will come up in a relationship. This doesn't mean it should be discussed often, or even brought up more than once, but some of us like to know our lover's pasts because it does determine the type of person you are/were and, ultimately, your future. However, your feelings of a person should NEVER be based off another's past. Always say what you feel, otherwise how will your lover know? You can't walk around upset about something, never tell your partner, and expect them to know. A problem cannot be fixed if the problem is unknown. This also goes for your profession of love to them. Always tell your lover what they are doing well. Praise them and thank them, because they could always be with someone else.

• LISTEN, LISTEN. OH AND DID I SAY LISTEN?

Listening is just as important as communicating. No point in talking if no one can hear you. This means you have to hear what your partner is saying regardless of rather you agree with it. 

• TREAT YOUR MATE

Let them know they are loved. Words will NEVER be enough, you must SHOW someone how you feel. Cater to them, if its deserved, every once in awhile. Go on dates. Buy gifts. Be affectionate. The human touch is POWERFUL. It can heal lives. 

• BE SURE, BE CONFIDENT, DONT BE INSECURE!

One of the biggest relationship killers are insecurities and jealousy. A little jealousy is good, it's actually cute. Jealousy shows you care, as long as it isn't over the top and possessive. But don't let your jealousy overtake your insecurities! If you are with your partner, and they have earned your trust, TRUST them, unless they break it. If your partner is remaining loyal to you then there is no reason for you to be insecure about anything. Insecurity shows a lack of confidence in yourself and a lack of faith in your partner. Don't think your partner is cheating unless you have PROOF. Don't accuse them of anything if you have NOTHING to back it up. 

Don't get mad if someone tries to get at your mate. Never take out your lover's attractiveness to others on them. The things that attract you to them in the first place does not go unnoticed by others. You should be proud others value your mate enough to want them, because who wants to be with someone no one else wants? The key to this is how your mate reacts when they are being approached. If it is encouraged by your mate, there is a problem and it should be addressed. If your mate ignores the person, be proud of who you are with and let the situation go 

 Trust your mate enough to have friends of the opposite sex but set rules that you both can agree on about it. Personally, if my mate has opposite sex friends, I'd like to know who they are and know that they know who I am. There should be no late night phone calls, texts, or pix messages. Also, they should never overstep their boundaries, nor know when you are having relationship problems. Never allow anyone of the opposite sex that is business related or family go out with your significant other alone. 

Another issue I have seen all to well is we take our pain from the past into the future, meaning we allow what other people who have hurt us, influence new and great relationship. Don't get into a new relationship if you are still hurting over a past one. Your expectations will either be too high or too low. You may expect them to take part in healing your broken heart and become too dependent on them to the point where if they disappoint you, you either break up with them or overreact. Or you may expect them to hurt you or fail you like past lovers, which will cause you to push them away from you. If you want to be happy with someone, BE HAPPY. Every guy/girl is NOT the same, so don't treat them that way. 

• OTHERS SHOULD NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Never broadcast your relationship problems to your friends or family. You'd be better off seeking advice from a complete stranger. Friends and family won't always have your best interest at heart. Their opinions will always be biased and they will always be on your side. Besides that, they can use what they know about your relationship against you. They can judge you based off the decisions you make to stay or leave or they can come between you and your mate. Always keep your business PRIVATE. Don't let your friends in on your sex life, because they may try to get your goods. Your relationship should be a separate entity from your friendships and relationships with others. 

• LASTLY, KEEP GOD AT THE FOREFRONT AND FIGHT

Pray together. Hope together. Tell each other your hopes and dreams, and always be with someone who loves and understands God. Pray for your relationship. If you want to leave what used to be a good relationship, don't react without consulting God. Always treat your lover the way you want to be treated. Fight for your relationship if it is what you want. I believe that if you still have love, everything else can be worked on. Even trust. Don't ever give up on someone who can and will make you happy as long as they are around. Many people give up on good relationships because they are afraid. Treat a relationship like a goal, fight for it because the end result may be better than you expect. 

Infidelity in relationships

Hello...Hope everyone had a happy new year! Today's blog will be fairly short; more of a blog of me venting. For some reason, lately I been talking about and thinking about the aspect of cheating. Why people do it? What sex partakes in it the most? I've come to the realization that cheating has NOTHING and EVERYTHING to do with the person you are with/cheating on. Everyone has this concept that ALL men cheat, which I honestly believe is BS. Not all of ANYONE cheats, and how can anyone generalize when they will NEVER meet every man or woman.

Something hit me like an epiphany today: Men usually cheat because they are lacking something within themselves, and women usually cheat because they are lacking something within their lover. Now of course it could be the other way around, but right now I'm generally speaking. For example, a man can have the best wife. She can cook for him, clean his house, sex him on the regular, make him feel like a REAL MAN, yet he may not be satisfied internally. He may need to cheat to see if he still got "it", to feel like a man, to create drama when things are going too well, or when he's just bored with his life and need excitement. Men cheat also because its THERE. Women are dirty creatures, we can know a man has a woman and yet still do whatever it takes to try to conquer him. SMH. Its like when he has a woman, its this challenge we feel we have to fulfill to see if we look better or ARE better than the woman he's with. WE ultimately make it easy for men to cheat.

Women usually cheat because they are insecure that the man they are with is going to cheat, has already cheated, or is going to be like the "others". Women can complain to their man all day about what's lacking in the relationship, and the typical male either ignores her or doesn't listen. So unfortunately, she goes out so fullfill whatever is missing within the man she is with now. Women are more sneaky and conniving. We know how to twist a man's thoughts so that even if he thinks we are cheating, we can make it seem as though its his fault if we are.

Outside of that factor, what i find more disheartening is the fact that a woman can accept a man who cheats repeatedly, but a man usually never accepts a woman who cheats. I believe it is because women fall into comfort more than men. We get so caught up in the thought of starting over, and having to get to know a new guy all over again that it causes us to have a huge fear of getting hurt by a new person. Its so much easier to deal with being hurt by the same person than it is to get hurt by a whole new person.

I just dislike what we do to each other in relationships. One guy or girl can be so strong to some of us, that it changes our perception of the whole mankind. We really should stop giving people who have hurt us before so much POWER. If people can change your perception about people who you haven't even met before, then you need to rethink your faith and beliefs. I don't care if a million men hurt me, beat me, do anything to break me...I know that at least ONE will not. If we change how we think and perceive of other people, maybe we wouldnt always get and accept BS. We really should know our worth....

Race

First of all, I give praises to God for allowing me to be the person I am. Black, White, Red, Green, or Yellow no matter my race or color, I will always be ME. Many people don't think of racism...well I think about it EVERYDAY. Many people don't believe racism still exists....well I see it, at least once a month visually and everyday subliminally.

My first thought about this topic is the phrase that I hate WHITES have invented to call us instead of black or negro. I despise "African American". Don't get me wrong, I hold true to my roots and I know that my people were of dark skins and deep roots. I know that they were tribal, I know that they were traditional, I know that they were BLACK. But the main reason I don't identify with that colloquialism is because I am not from Africa. Nor is my grandmother, her mother, her mother, and so on and so forth. I am, unfortunately, a black woman who live in America. I guess that would identify me as American huh? But why African? Can anyone answer that? My phenotype? But what about my genotype?  I am not fully black, who is besides those who roots lie more closely to Africa. I feel that if your great great great GREAT grandmother or father is not from Africa, then who are you to call me African American?

This is America, the melting pot. White men were raping our slave fore-mothers, blacks were loving and marrying Native Americans....who is fully white, black, or whatever race they claim? I try not to identify with any race, mostly because I don't even know exactly all that is in my heritage. I know that my great grandmother was white, the other was Native American, and the others, for all I know were black...so am I supposed to identify with being "African" because of how I look when I know nothing about Africa and have never stepped foot there?

Lets think for a second, the first person was African. The first human being traces back from Africa, so if the first human being was African, and we all descended from other humans, would that not make every American "African American"? It makes no sense to me. I know white people, who I am sure one of their fore mothers were black....so why are they not considered "African American"? Because of how they look? I thought if you had even ONE drop of black blood you were black....funny how it changes when you appear to be something totally different.

In my eyes, the term "African American" is just another term white people invented to label us. To limit us, and it kills me that so many hold it with pride without even having a clue as to what their descendants look like. I have no problem with Africa or Africans, even though majority have a problem with us. I just don't appreciate the reasoning behind giving us blacks another name without a justifiable reason. Because of how I look? What about my roots? Can you know those just by looking at me? I'm BLACK. I'm not African.

Now racism....boy o boy I can go on for days, but instead I'm just going to vent. Why hate me because you aren't me? Why hate me because I'm different? Why does the color of my skin bother you so bad, when I have the same blood in my veins, the same organs in my body, the same teeth, the same HEART as you do? Why hate me? I bet if you ask a racist, why are they racist...they won't be able to come up with one reason that makes sense.

Why can't others get to know a person before assuming or making a stereotype. People, mostly whites,  spent years killing off our kind, killing off those of color, even killing their own because they didn't share the same religion, and here we are, as blacks, doing the same. Maybe not so much physically, but mentally we are. We hate each other. We look at another black and analyze their lifestyles. "what are you wearing, why you got your hair like that, what are YOU lookin at"? Its always drama, we always killing each other for no reason. Mad at each other for no reason. Don't you ignorant people know white people wanted us to be this way? Why do you think they turned us against each other even during slavery, a time when we were supposed to come together. Now that time has progressed, we haven't become more unified, we're more separated than ever. We have few black owned businesses, we would rather shop in the "white side" of town, we can't come together for nothing without a fight or shootout....is this really what we have become?

LOVE

we sit next to it and hold its hand
such a familiar place
so hard to understand.
we look to it for comfort
yet we shield from its demands
we allow it to change us
we take it granted
we allow it to control us
our hearts hold the damage
we continue to pursue it
unbeknowest to its end
we never work to renew it
yet we try it over again
it brings a heavy load
but allows you to feel light
it can heal the soul
it can hinder your life
we use and abuse it
the turn around and hate it
we use it as an excuse
as to why we keep on waiting
i wonder where we'd be
without the heart and mind
i wonder whats to key
to making it survive
how can the best thing in life
cause you so much pain
how cant it bring you down
but also save you from the rain
God's gift to us
is also a heavenly curse
it causes us to work
it causes us to thirst
it causes us to hate
it causes us shade
it causes us joy
when you look outside the pain
its a precious thing
that few can even define
its hidden behind the heart
concealed within the mind
but...with the good and the bad
we keep on chasing
what usually makes us sad
we love to love
to love to be loved
we fight for it
we cherish it
overall....we are IT

My First Post: Christmas

Hello world. This is my first post of many on my "WEEKLY THOUGHTS" blog. I hope you all enjoy my many thoughts and expressions, for I already know many people feel the same way I do and many people oppose. But who cares, right? Not everyone will always agree with you, but IF you disagree, do so in an adult manner. Respect my thoughts and opinions and I will do the same =).

Now, my first thought will be about the concept, yes concept, of Christmas. I hate the fact that no one researches anything anymore. We all are such followers. Just because one person says its true, to many, it becomes true. What happened to finding knowledge on our own? Anyway. I do, indeed, celebrate Christmas, but only because it was instilled in me as a child and my family celebrates it; however, when I finally have a family of my own (i'm 21 and still live with my grandmother lol), I don't believe I will celebrate it as many Americans do. I despise the whole "buy me a gift and I'll give you one" bull. I think too many people are giving only to recieve. Rarely are people giving out of the kindness of their hearts.

This year, I felt bad because I really did not have the money to get all my family members gifts who usually always give me gifts. I realized then, that my concept of Christmas is wrong. It should be about recieving NOR giving. "Jesus is the reason for the season", so why aren't we giving to HIM instead of these earthly beings? I didn't care to get anything this year, but at the same time, I'm so used to recieving (along with giving, of course) on this day, that if I were not to recieve a present I may have not felt as great as I let on to myself to believe. I feel that Christmas isnt "Christ" mas anymore. It's more like "Our"mas lol. People don't even think about Jesus that much on this day, they think about themselves and others. Not that it's bad to give, I just believe we all are beginning to give for the wrong reasons.

NOW, another part of Christmas that irks me....It is NOT Christ's birthday! Now of course the day is used to CELEBRATE his birth, but it is not the day he was born. Since and research has proven that. Jesus was born in the spring, according to research. We all have been led to believe this with our Nativity story plays and whatnot. But, deep down, I believe we know we have no proof in December 25th being his birthday. This also leads me to my immense dislike for Christmas. Its all for the WRONG reasons. Now Christmas is used as a season for retailers of America to make the most money they can possibly make in a given time period. When i finally have my own family, I won't adorn trees, nor will I lead my kids to believe in a fat guy coming down my chiminey (isn't that breaking and entering? lol) to leave presents that in reality I worked hard to buy. I want the credit. lol. But when I have my family, everyone will get one present, we will lay around on Christmas day and recite why we love Christ and what he has contributed to our lives. The day is about HIM, not us.

But besides my blatant dislike for Christmas, the holidays are still a great time period to be around those you love, so HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF YOU NONETHELESS =)