As young people, our relationships tend to falter because we either don't know what a good relationship consists of because our parents never had it, we're too young to understand our feelings or emotions, or we let minor things come between us and those we love, ie insecurities and past relationships. I get so tired of people getting in potentially great relationships and ruining them because they don't want to TRY. I didn't mention infidelity in this blog, because as important as it is, it doesn't determine a good relationship. I believe someone can be unfaithful and come back in the relationship and make it work. Though it isn't IDEAL, it can and has happened.
So first things first, men and women aren't VERY different from the other. We all demand respect, openness, faithfulness, and honesty. We all have our days where we need our space and our days where we need out significant other to counsel us. which brings me to my first point:
- YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE FRIENDS FIRST, BEST FRIENDS.
- RESPECT ONE ANOTHER
This one is hard for us young people, because some of us barely respect ourselves. Arguments are 100% necessary for the growth of a relationship. The key to a HEALTHY relationship, is knowing HOW to argue. Going for the jugular or under the belt is one of the biggest downfalls in a relationship. I fall victim as well, but we must learn to respect each other, even through our anger. That means, no name calling. No matter how large the disagreement, if you want to be with this person afterwards, you should not degrade them or say things to make them hurt because you don't like what they are saying to you. Unless they are disrespecting you, return the respect. Try your best NOT to yell. If you start off talking to each other CALMLY, then the convo should end the same. We get so caught up in our emotions, that we lose control of the situation, thus creating an unnecessary argument that could have just been discussed calmly as adults. The key to this is, when you feel yourself growing angry count, or tell your lover that you need to cool down before continuing the discussion. That does not mean leave the situation and never return to it, because the problem will only fester. It just means you value your relationship enough to talk about the issue later when you are calm. If your partner does not understand it, so be it, but make sure you explain it THOROUGHLY. Also, if your calm and your partner is becoming irate, tell a joke in between to calm their nerves, or stay calm and ask your partner why are they so angry? Also, tell them, calmly, that they are speaking too loudly and it is making you uncomfortable. And by all means NEVER get physical! You will create wounds that will NEVER heal properly, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
- BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE
Simply put. When you are in a relationship, it isn't JUST about you. You have to take into account your lover's feelings and emotions and be willing to put yours on the back burner when you are wrong. If you are hurting or have hurt your partner, LISTEN to them and meet at a common ground about the problem. Sacrifice something that won't hurt you if it is lost just for the sake and happiness of your relationship. Your partner's happiness should be on the forefront if you want it to last. But NEVER EVER do something that makes you unhappy for the sake of your partner, unless it will benefit you BOTH in the long run.
- TALK AND BE 100. ABOUT EVERYTHING
The worst thing you can do in a relationship is lie to a person who knows you better than you probably know yourself. THEY WILL FIND OUT! Rather it be next day, next week, next year, or years down the line, a lie will never stay a lie. If your significant other asks you a question, don't lie or tell half a lie. Be strait up. Lying is for COWARDS. If you fear what you are about to say will ruin the relationship, YOU have ALREADY ruined the relationship. Most people fear honesty, but respect it more. This means don't lie about who you know, where you have been, or what you have done, especially if it pertains to your past, before you met your partner. We all have a past, and unfortunately, it will come up in a relationship. This doesn't mean it should be discussed often, or even brought up more than once, but some of us like to know our lover's pasts because it does determine the type of person you are/were and, ultimately, your future. However, your feelings of a person should NEVER be based off another's past. Always say what you feel, otherwise how will your lover know? You can't walk around upset about something, never tell your partner, and expect them to know. A problem cannot be fixed if the problem is unknown. This also goes for your profession of love to them. Always tell your lover what they are doing well. Praise them and thank them, because they could always be with someone else.
- LISTEN, LISTEN. OH AND DID I SAY LISTEN?
Listening is just as important as communicating. No point in talking if no one can hear you. This means you have to hear what your partner is saying regardless of rather you agree with it.
- TREAT YOUR MATE
Let them know they are loved. Words will NEVER be enough, you must SHOW someone how you feel. Cater to them, if its deserved, every once in awhile. Go on dates. Buy gifts. Be affectionate. The human touch is POWERFUL. It can heal lives.
- BE SURE, BE CONFIDENT, DONT BE INSECURE!
One of the biggest relationship killers are insecurities and jealousy. A little jealousy is good, it's actually cute. Jealousy shows you care, as long as it isn't over the top and possessive. But don't let your jealousy overtake your insecurities! If you are with your partner, and they have earned your trust, TRUST them, unless they break it. If your partner is remaining loyal to you then there is no reason for you to be insecure about anything. Insecurity shows a lack of confidence in yourself and a lack of faith in your partner. Don't think your partner is cheating unless you have PROOF. Don't accuse them of anything if you have NOTHING to back it up.
Don't get mad if someone tries to get at your mate. Never take out your lover's attractiveness to others on them. The things that attract you to them in the first place does not go unnoticed by others. You should be proud others value your mate enough to want them, because who wants to be with someone no one else wants? The key to this is how your mate reacts when they are being approached. If it is encouraged by your mate, there is a problem and it should be addressed. If your mate ignores the person, be proud of who you are with and let the situation go
Trust your mate enough to have friends of the opposite sex but set rules that you both can agree on about it. Personally, if my mate has opposite sex friends, I'd like to know who they are and know that they know who I am. There should be no late night phone calls, texts, or pix messages. Also, they should never overstep their boundaries, nor know when you are having relationship problems. Never allow anyone of the opposite sex that is business related or family go out with your significant other alone.
Another issue I have seen all to well is we take our pain from the past into the future, meaning we allow what other people who have hurt us, influence new and great relationship. Don't get into a new relationship if you are still hurting over a past one. Your expectations will either be too high or too low. You may expect them to take part in healing your broken heart and become too dependent on them to the point where if they disappoint you, you either break up with them or overreact. Or you may expect them to hurt you or fail you like past lovers, which will cause you to push them away from you. If you want to be happy with someone, BE HAPPY. Every guy/girl is NOT the same, so don't treat them that way.
- OTHERS SHOULD NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Never broadcast your relationship problems to your friends or family. You'd be better off seeking advice from a complete stranger. Friends and family won't always have your best interest at heart. Their opinions will always be biased and they will always be on your side. Besides that, they can use what they know about your relationship against you. They can judge you based off the decisions you make to stay or leave or they can come between you and your mate. Always keep your business PRIVATE. Don't let your friends in on your sex life, because they may try to get your goods. Your relationship should be a separate entity from your friendships and relationships with others.
- LASTLY, KEEP GOD AT THE FOREFRONT AND FIGHT
Pray together. Hope together. Tell each other your hopes and dreams, and always be with someone who loves and understands God. Pray for your relationship. If you want to leave what used to be a good relationship, don't react without consulting God. Always treat your lover the way you want to be treated. Fight for your relationship if it is what you want. I believe that if you still have love, everything else can be worked on. Even trust. Don't ever give up on someone who can and will make you happy as long as they are around. Many people give up on good relationships because they are afraid. Treat a relationship like a goal, fight for it because the end result may be better than you expect.
